19/07/2016

Dealing with depression


The big D word! Why is it shameful to talk about in the Asian community? 

I grew up seeing with my own eyes and hearing with my own ears how the word depression is avoided like a virus. 

Men and women go through depression and yes it is a illness and it should be recognised. It's more than just feeling fed up and sad at times. It sometimes can carry on for weeks and months and yes even years. 

No body in their right mind would want to feel so sad, lonely, upset and worthless during the day let alone weeks and months. 

In my community I have seen "men" and other members of the family brushing away those symptoms of a women especially who is showing signs of depression. 

"Oh you are not depressed, get over it, you are not the only women to go through this. You are being silly, people are going to talk you are going mad"  ect ect. 

This needs to STOP! 

My depression started from having the baby blues, not even realising it and then all of a sudden a life changing problem made it official . One that I was not prepared for. Both mixed together was a dangerous place to be in. 

Many times I had thought if I just ended my life. "Surly this is as good as it's going to get, so why bother carrying on?" 

"I am not strong enough to carry on" 
"I am not good to my children they will be embarrassed of me" 

I could not even stand looking at myself in any reflection. I remember I used to cover the mirrors in my home with bedsheets so that I didn't see myself. 
Feeling numb, burst out crying at any time. My heart and mind refused to connect. 

It got to a point that the health visitors started to worry about the wellbeing of my children. I started to think "no body can love my children like I do" "if I don't fix up or at lest try and show them, even if it's fake, then I will loose my children" 

So I did. 

First action was to see my doctor who then referred me to a therapist. I had few sessions with her and even though I have to thank her for helping me over come my fear of talking to people about my problems and to stop blaming myself. I felt in order to actually tackle my problems which is causing me to be depressed, only I can do that. So after few session I decided to stop and choose my own method. 

Which was to distract myself of my problems. No I am not running away or hiding the issue, I knew in order for me to overcome this I have to do it on my own time and my own way. 

I threw myself into university which helped me overcome communication problems with people. It helped me gain new knowledge and see a new possibility of a career. It gave me hope and confidence. 

Through this journey I have come face to face with many challenges and with each one I jumped in the deep end with it. Thinking I have faced worse, so this is nothing.  

Though the 3 years of hard work, staying busy and welcoming new challenges, some medication and therapy I can now honestly say I am in a much better place. 

Don't  get me wrong I am not cured. Because there is no such thing. As humans we will have these emotions. Trying to make sense of things. At the age of 34 I have finally understood that the only way to fully over come the  feeling of incomplete is to be closer to God. 

Through that I found comfort and feel ever more confident in myself that I will be ok. 

Depression needs to be spoken about, because it maybe that all we need is someone to put their hands out and say "it's ok I am here for you, you will get through this"