17/02/2016

I am a FAKE


This should not come as a surprise. I am not the first and I know I will not be the last to do this. 
For as long as I can remember I have been living a double life. 
As a child growing up in a dominated Asian community, in a family that didnt speak read or write English as their first language was the starting point. 
I was never ashamed of who I am and what my life was like at home around my family. I just knew my friends at school would never understand. 
They will never know as to why i would wear a salwa kameez at home and never wear jeans and shirt. They would not understand as to why i was not aloud to cut my hair. 
They would not understand as to why i could never have a sleep over, play dates or even dates for that matter. 

Every morning when i would get ready to go school, i would leave that asian girl behind as i closed the front door. at school i would "act" like what other people expected a normal girl to be like. I would pretend i have a crush on a boy band, pretend that i would go on a shopping trip and i have the latests trainers and went to the movies. 

i struggled to find who i really was and the group i belonged to. as i got older things did get better slightly, i discovered life and started to take part in things for enjoyment, only simple things but big deal to me. Like going out for a meal, movies and shopping. most of which girls young as 12 was doing, i was only aloud to and felt comfortable to do at the age of 18. 

 anyway life went on. i learnt to live with my double life. i was one way at home and was another outside. what people saw was different from what i felt. Only in my adult life now i feel i am able to write about it. depression. 

its heard of but never spoken of in my community. life can be funny at times, you spend your life time looking for something good and sometimes its that good thing that can be bad. i have spent few years doing youtube tutorials for my subscribers. it feels so nice and re assuring when i receive comforting messages from them but i do feel like a fraud. 
what you see in that 10 minute video is not me. if i showed them the real me do you think they would come back to my channel to watch my videos? no. well thats what i think anyway. 

little do they know how i struggle everyday to take care of my kids. worried day and night thinking if i have enough money in the account to pay all the bills and still have something left to enjoy life. i am having to think 2,3,4,5 times before buying something. 
sleep!......what is that?  they see me put on make-up and pose but they do not see me avoiding eye contact with my own reflection in the mirror. 

i dont even feel as if i have the right to dream of something expeditionary because i think, what is the point? it would never come true. bursting out in tears because i know deep inside what i can do but feel worthless at times because no one would give me a chance. NO THIS IS NOT SELF PETTY. 

dont get me wrong i do not hate life. everyday i learn something new and i work on myself. i guess what i am saying is that we all live a double life i guess. just smile and walk pass.